Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
