Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
