Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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