I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
