It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
