im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
