The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize