When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize