I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
