She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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