Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
True strength comes from lack of pants
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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