Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
