The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
