my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
