my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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