i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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