chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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