so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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