Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
