i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
