Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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