don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
