Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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