So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize