before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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