She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
