I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
barbara walters just said penis...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
