you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
