Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
