Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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