Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize