did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
