Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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