OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
