Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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