I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
