This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
