I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
