Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
