if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
