my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
