i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
