I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you still have your period?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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