Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
