maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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