he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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