if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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