I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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