Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
