Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
