If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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