The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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