fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
