i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
