i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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