This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Let's get the cat blown out
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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