I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
