i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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