I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
