I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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