Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
