you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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