I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm at about main and main street
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
